On Friday President Trump signed an executive order banning visitors, immigrants, and refugees from seven Muslim countries from entering the United States.
The preposterously titled ‘Protecting the Nation from Foreign Terrorist Entry into the United States’ Act, signed on Holocaust Remembrance Day, proved that the xenophobia, Islamophobia, racism and misogyny that Trump’s campaigned on is here to stay.
So, since we’re the kind of country that bans things willy nilly now, here’s a list of 75 things that should be banned instead of immigrants and refugees.
Cause we all need a good laugh as we gear up for the long fight ahead.
1. Donald Trump’s tailor
2. Kitten heels
3. People who don’t like being called racist but voted for Donald Trump – See Damon Young
4. Racists, misogynists, and homophobes who voted for Donald Trump
5. The term “alternative facts”
6. Kellyann Conway – for lots of reasons but most recently for saying the phrase “alternative facts” with a straight face
7. 99% of the Donald Trump cabinet
8. Climate change deniers – I’m rocking a crop top and sandals in the dead of winter. Come on people.
9. Sugar-free cake – why would you serve this?
10. Styrofoam cake – I didn’t even know this was a thing until Donald Trump’s inauguration
11. 100-calorie snack packs – you know why
12. Canceling TV series without wrapping up the storylines – Yes, I still want to know how ‘the Pirates of Dark Water‘ would have ended back in 1991
13. The people who wrote Sex in the City 2, The Hangover 2 and 3 and Oceans 12 and 13
14. Healthy fried chicken – Stop, just stop.
15. Sugarless cornbread – yes, I know this is a strong stance, but I’m standing firm on this one
16. Sugar substitutes – yeah, we eat it, but none of us are fooled
17. Bad weaves – wear a wig
18. Bad wigs – do your hair
19. Bad hair – there’s no such thing, but the phrase “bad hair” should be banned.
20. People who equate being against police brutality with being anti-police. Trust me, all community loving, non-power abusing officers are invited to the barbecue. Just rsvp first, so we know how much food to buy.
21. Cops who abuse their authority
22. Union rules that protect employees who break the law – You know what I’m talking about
23. Slut-shaming women – and, also, the phrase “slut.”
24. Airplane seats smaller than the size of an average human being
25. Airlines that charge for juice
26. Airlines that don’t carry-child friendly snacks and toys to pacify crying babies – sure, it’s not your responsibility, but be the bigger person here.
27. Airlines that charge for carry-on bags
28. Spirit Airlines – see Awesomely Luvvie
29. Governments selling local water rights to corporations
30. The Dakota Access Pipeline – Cause Flint, MI
31. The government leaders in Flint – just banning them from the country would be too kind
32. Using the word “irregardless” – and on that point –
33. Betsy DeVos – Let’s all agree that a baseline qualification for the secretary of education job is knowing how to write a sentence
34. People who make a bad cup of tea – it’s a tea bag and water. How did you mess that up?
35. The phrase “vegan leather” – it’s called “pleather” people
36. Botox lips that look like footballs
37. Wine snobs – Damn it, if you like sweet wine, drink it
38. Not showering before a flight – or getting on the subway or any close quarters where your funk can attack innocent bystanders
39. Prioritizing the feelings of rapists over survivors
40. Wearing flip flops in the winter – unless it’s freakishly warm due to climate change
41. Wearing Uggs in the summer – unless it’s freakishly cold due to climate change
42. Going to ‘the club’ to talk
43. Going to Vegas to relax
44. Bringing babies to R rated movies – part of the reason I’m here is because they’re not supposed to be
45. Bagels not made in NYC
46. Pizza not made in NYC or Chicago
47. Chicken wings not made by Black or Asian people – Exemption to this ban will be approved for all cultures that keep more than 10 spices in their pantry at all times
48. Mid- season finales followed by a two-month-long hiatus
49. Allowing the next season of Game of Thrones TV show and book to get pushed back
50. Wearing sunglasses indoors
51. Not covering your mouth when you sneeze – especially when you are tall and standing over short people like me. Eww
52. Trying to boycott Beyoncé
54. People who just discovered “1984” – #Really #How
55. Calling all millennials lazy
56. Wearing jeggings to work – those are not pants
57. The Alt-Right – cause a rose by any other name
58. Bringing your own TV audience to applaud your speech
59. Titling an email subject “quick question” when you know damn well your email is neither quick nor a question
60. Denying John McCain is a war hero
61. Trying to get on the subway when people are getting off – there are rules people
62. $20 cocktails
63. Paying for VIP status – if you were important you wouldn’t have to pay to get in
64. Using the word “artisanal” as an adjective for everything – Brooklyn, this means you
65. Telling boys they shouldn’t cry
66. Telling girls they need to smile
67. Paying white women 20% less than white men
68. Paying African American women 40% less than white men
69. Paying Hispanic women 45% less than white men
70. Paying all other minority groups less than white men
71. Pretending racism doesn’t exist
72. Claiming to be a nation of Christian values – Because Jesus would welcome refugees
73. Pretending Serena Williams isn’t the GOAT – #SorryNotSorry
74. 2016 Rory Gilmore – She was like the Ryan Lochte of Stars Hollow
75. The Electoral College – cause we’re here now